There are several things you are not supposed to do on Wimbledon Common.  Ask any dog owner, courting couple or would-be streaker. 

Now they have put up another sign, alongside the one, totally ignored, that forbids bicycle rides across the Common. This latest one forbids barbecues. 

Why, you cry, have they done this? It is not because the barbecue aroma drives foxes dangerously mad – it does – but because it could all lead to unwanted fires. So, up goes another notice, near the one warning us of the possible sudden arrival of horses. 

No mention, so far, of low-flying helicopters, but do not hold your breath. The guilty ones inflicting us with these notices have just put up a giant one up outside my house warning lorry drivers not to even think about coming down our road, even to unload. 

But all these notice planters have missed a trick regarding Wimbledon Common. As an ancient resident, I have rights to graze sheep and dry laundry on the Common. But do not let anyone know, otherwise we will get more clutter.

Months ago now, I used to have a hobby of counting Merton signs. But I lost heart when I reached one million, and finally gave up totally when my wife told me to get a life. But the truth is there are now so many signs and notices in Merton that only eccentrics see them because the whole scene has become a blur. Will nobody blow the whistle and shout ‘Stop’? 

John Ingham

Wimbledon