My heart leapt with glee when I received the invite to Insidious, supposedly a scare-fest from the people who made Saw and Parnormal Activity that would have even the most hardened horror fan thrusting a fist in their mouth to stop them breaking down and crying like a baby.

It’s always a mistake to get that excited, though. And I think my reaction can be summed up neatly by film encyclopedia site IMDd, which lists the first keyword for Insidious as “comatose”.

Okay, the word refers to the fact that the film is about a boy who falls into a coma after being possessed - but you get my point.

And I was amazed at the reaction in the screening room during the film - hardened journos jumping out of their collective skins, popcorn flying everywhere, resulting in small huddles of people clutching each other in fear.

It’s a reaction I find impossible to empathise with. The ghosts resemble Darth Maul, Katy Perry (with full make-up on, not that genuinely spooky pic of her make-up free that was plastered across the media), and Amy Winehouse, with an occasional little man running across the screen. Scary. So I’m left wondering what it is about these images that makes most people dribble in senseless fright? I feel like showing the film to my boss before asking for a pay rise, leaving her so traumatised by a Star Wars children’s baddie and a few pop stars that she readily agrees to any sum I ask for.

The lead actress, Rose Byrne, is admittedly scarily thin and the psychic (Lin Shaye) should be a warning to actress Felicity Huffman - this is how the Desperate Housewife will look in a few years if she doesn’t bow down to Hollywood and run screaming to the nearest Botox clinic.

(I must apologise to women everywhere for making cheap gags about actresses to liven my copy but I’m sure I’ll be back to fine feminist mettle after watching Thor next week. Though, thinking about it, I probably won’t be knowing my peccadillo for a certain Aussie hunk in the eponymous role.)

But there the fear stops. The film is best described as Paranormal Activity without the fear factor.

I kept waiting desperately to feel even a twinge of discomfort (other than the numb bum that most people get after sitting still for a few hours) but it only ever happened whenever the cringy ghostbuster duo made an appearance (Angus Sampson and a cameo role by producer Leigh Whannell). I think they were meant to be the comic light relief but, really, I’d already had enough of that whenever the ghosts materialised.

That shouldn’t put you off, though, as I have not met a single person who agrees with me on this. Most critics seem to be in spine-tangling raptures about Insidious - whereas I’m left as the single tortured soul left shaking her head, feeling like she missed out on the most fun you can have in a darkened room...

Insidious is on general release from April 29.