“Oh Tony Pulis, what have you done?”

Tony Pulis. Tony WHOlis, more like.

The heroics of Alan Pardew have almost (but not quite) erased the memory of Pulis walking out on us, and the near faultless victory over West Brom last weekend was the perfect reminder that we’ve moved on and are in a much better place than when he was in charge.

The situation is all very reminiscent of an ex-girlfriend turning up with a new bloke trying to make us jealous, but she’s let herself go a bit, the new guy is ugly and boring and we really don’t care that she exists any more.

Of course it hurt at the time, ‘she’ broke our heart and we went on the rebound trying to mend the pain.

For a second we thought we’d found ‘the one’ in Malky Mackay.

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It had a lot of potential but we soon realised that we weren’t compatible, with worryingly differing views regarding immigration policies.

Eventually we went crawling back to old flame Neil Warnock in a desperate hope of rekindling some of that old magic, but we remembered why we didn’t work in the first place and broke things off.

Just as we were thinking we might never find love again, we caught the eye of Alan Pardew.

“He’s with someone else, it’ll never work,” we told ourselves.

But it turns out they didn’t get along, he came running and we fell in love.

Now we’re happier than ever and Tony Pulis is crying himself to sleep every night, regretting his decision to go.

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Poor Tony.

Pulis and West Bromwich Albion are a match made in boring heaven.

West Brom are one of those boring teams with no real attraction, with a boring name, boring kit and boring players.

Pulis has even somehow managed to turn £20m rated striker Saido Berahino into an ineffective, defensive winger.

That doesn’t add up, because our wing play was pivotal to our success under his reign, and I was so happy when winger Yannick Bolasie got his first goal of the season, especially considering the difficult time he has been through recently.

I think it was the first time I’ve ever seen Bolasie head the ball, but it was certainly worth the wait.

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That win made it two in a row and more importantly, two consecutive clean sheets, which is very out of character from this Pardew team.

What are you gonna do next, Pards, draw a game?

After the tediousness of the international break, league football returns to Selhurst this weekend against West Ham, the only Premier League side that are named after two things that ISIS hate.

They’ve been pretty impressive on the road so far this season and seem to have left their Allardyce-inspired long ball reputation behind, so it’s looking like a pretty even contest on paper.

Last summer I went to watch Marseille as they beat Nice 4-0, and Dimitri Payet was easily the best player on the pitch so I was a bit jealous when West Ham signed him.

He’s shone for them so far, but Yohan Cabaye is a million times better so it doesn’t really matter.

The least they can do for us is give us all three points considering we’re all paying for their brand new, shiny, oversized stadium, but I’m confident we can get a result and maintain our place in the top four.

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